i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
I puked on her cat, I think I should at least buy her breakfast
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