I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
It's no shave November. This is our time.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
Moral of the story - don't craft naked. Your nipples with thank me.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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