She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
Last thing I remember is ranting about hating pants. Woke up this morning pants less. Couldn't find them, decided to leave. Driving without pants is surprisingly liberating.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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