I'm eating all of the evidence.
Mmmm, vodka for breakfast
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
I call bullshit
Call it what ever you want I just need to figure out how to get permanent marker off my cock
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I'm literally trying to cool beer down right now in my car by putting it on my floor and blasting cold air on it
Randomize
