I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
I bought everclear. Bring your party pants and some addies
You're not gonna punch me in the face again are you?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
So the " I'm gay but curious" thing worked. You owe me 50 bucks.
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
We had sex and then ordered pizza after. This relationship is looking good so far.
Randomize
