so after all day drinking, we went to an all u can eat crab place and i was going from table to table surveying the crowd if they though the crab i was carrying around looked like the flying dog from never ending story...what the hell is wrong with me?
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
What section do you want to sit in? The screaming girls section or the "when you guys were popular I was straight and pretended not to like you guys" section?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
Randomize
