i just google imaged poop.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
Speaking of morons, I just found half a Subway sandwich in the bathroom drawer You or your brother?
no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets
you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
I walked in, the bartender looked at me, grabbed 3 shot glasses and a pounder. Lined them up on the bar then made a line with salt on the other side of them and said I wasn't allowed to cross it.
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
