Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.
why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position
he just left. I blew him in my kitchen while my parents slept down the hall. Welcome back home!
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I'm not sure which is more depressing, the fact that the hospital is making me put together a living will before surgery, or that all i'll be leaving behind is 25k in student loan debt
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
I'm supposed to be studying for finals but all I can think about is blowing him on a sea doo this summer
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No more stories ab the wkend for co-workers... No one else found "and I didn't have pants on when I got home Saturday night" as funny as I did.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
