20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
I woke up naked wrapped in my roommate's towel with one leg shaved and money thrown all over the room. Happy 21st birthday.
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I wonder if the fact that I'm listening to the theme from lion king gives my neighbors the impression that im tripping faceeeee
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
lonely sunday drunk me decided to tweeze my pubes. HORRIBLE IDEA
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
the next morning we realized we didnt speak the same language... guess i subconsciously did learn a little german last semester. thanks study abroad.
ah the experiences a semester in Vienna can give you. Frau would enjoy knowing that even while sleeping during class you still managed to learn enough german to get laid
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