She'll never know what hit her
I dunno. Girls tend to recognize ball-to-chin contact.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
