so he came in my eye... should i throw out my contacts?
Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
also: i found my "nug jug", actually the baby did, but either way it got returned to its rightful owner
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Why would you hook up with someone whos known for peeibg in someones mouth
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
High-fiving last weekend's hook up in passing on the way to class has given me quite the lady boner.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
Randomize
