You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?
You can't be serious.
She made me put my jeans under her mattress so that I wouldn't leave in the morning while she was still sleeping. Apparently I just look like "that guy".
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
Hahaha I don't remember taking it away. But no one should have a sledgehammer at a party. NO ONE.
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I need to calm my uterus...
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
You left your phone here
Wait...
Randomize
