I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
You said you wanted to go to louisiana and get arrested by Steven segal
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Dude, on the way home the cab driver asked why you didn't bring a guy home and referred to you as "one night stand girl"
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
