THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I know how to make vodka btw in case you want to come over and do a science project
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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