You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
I mean this holiday was built on cheap beer, shitty whisky, and processed meat... and I fully plan to honor that
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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