I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
It was awful. He had a wife
And now you've had a year of virgin penance. Absolve yourself.
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
Randomize
