I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.
vodka bottle broke. scooping it out of the plastic tub with a shot glass into a sprite bottle using a ziplock bag as a funnel and straining the glass out with paper towels. good thursday night?
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
You know you're an upperclassmen when you go to a party with no makeup, wet hair, weed socks, and no shoes, take a shot ski, then leave
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?�
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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