I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
Exactly how does jacking off in my purse count as a 'early christmas present'?
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
If I'm going to keep blacking out this much I need to start taking more pictures.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
