I just took the soap out of the bathroom and hid it... this way I could see if she would say anything. you know, to see how clean she was
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Go big or go home. i snuck in two beers in my bra. im here to win.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I think as a general rule I have to have blacked out somewhere at least twice to be comfortable.
This morning i put band aids over my nipples bc i was too lazy to put on a bra. Think I've reached a new low.
Wow two curved penises in one weekend. I feel like this may be good luck. Like finding a four leaf clover
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
Randomize
