Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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