She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
So..I walked into his bathroom and found a bong and a blender in the shower.....normal?
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
