i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
these girls were driving down the road screaming "SHOT!!" out the windows and pelting potatoes at passerby.
i got hit in the ear.
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Randomize
