i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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