Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
Do u like your dick pics shot in hotdog or hamburger orientation?
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
My brother just text me asking if I was ready for the blowjob of my life.
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
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