I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
the only good thing about going home with him was that he was prettier than me.
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
You stopped making out with some rando guy to tell him you weren't sure about your sexuality then proceeded to follow me down the street to make out with me
It's like she fell out of an MTV reality show and no one knows how to send her back
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
