You should never have let annie watch you have sex with other women
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks
I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
His new girl is probably classy and boring. I bet she doesn't feed him sour patch kids while she wiggles his weiner.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
Randomize
