just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Funniest thing happened to Chloe! She talked the bf into a mmf threesome, and he loudly and enthusiastically discovered he was gay during it. Whole dorm literally heard it happen.Well funny for me. Chloe not so much.
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