Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
