i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Apparently she hired a private investigator when he took out a restraining order on her. So the answer is no, I didn't hit it.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
