Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
Randomize
