Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
it seems that i get a boner from just about everything now
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
His cuteness will no longer contol my vagina
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
Trying to do the walk of shame over here WHY are there a hundred ppl on the el?! Thank god I pulled a summit and wore casual clothes I even stopped by the farmers market and bought some squash
Crowning achievement. I bought ranch dressing and emergency contraception.
I feel like I was playing penis roulette last night nd I landed on the wrong one.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I said, hypothetically speaking, if I was going to be having some rough sex Friday night, when WOULD be the best time for a massage, mother dear?
Randomize
