ADVERTISEMENT

• (602): View more from Arizona

  how was that guy you hooked up with?

  (415): View more from California

  i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing

  Fav 6 860 1748

  share tweet
  

• (815): View more from Illinois

  i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

  (1-815): View more from Illinois

  you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

  Fav 18 2081 5351

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (480): View more from Arizona

  omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.

  Fav 60 2311 6268

  share tweet
  

• (613): View more from Ontario

  I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

  Fav 6 3878 1277

  share tweet
  

• (440): View more from Ohio

  thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

  (440): View more from Ohio

  anything for my little brother.

  Fav 6 5386 1129

  share tweet
  

• (603): View more from New Hampshire

  He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

  Fav 50 8357 1263

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (414): View more from Wisconsin

  Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.

  Fav 6 1377 724

  share tweet
  

• (613): View more from Ontario

  but they dont look like handprints. looks like someone had a boxing match with my tits and my tits lost

  Fav 2 661 1306

  share tweet
  

• (720): View more from Colorado

  My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future

  Fav 5 839 644

  share tweet
  

• (978): View more from Massachusetts

  You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.

  Fav 3 811 610

  share tweet
  

• (513): View more from Ohio

  It was going great until he started saying "ooh kill em" under his breath with each thrust

  Fav 2 598 1129

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (425): View more from Washington

  Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me

  Fav 1 442 760

  share tweet
  

• (770): View more from Georgia

  My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony

  Fav 1 453 349

  share tweet
  

• (727): View more from Florida

  I mean seriously there comes a time when you just need to take a crap in peace. Until he figures that out he can stay the hell outta my place.

  Fav 1 262 139

  share tweet
  
ADVERTISEMENT

• (561): View more from Florida

  I never thought I'd say this but there's too many dicks around here.

  Fav 0 54 24

  share tweet
  

Randomize