I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Two words Indian burn...
What did she think it was, a shake weight?
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
Topless, eating sour gummies, doing a crossword, at 4 AM. TELL ME IM BEAUTIFUL!
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