so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
i said she could sleep in my bed and she goes "iiiiiiii warned you. iiiiim a cuddlerrrrrr!" slightly regretting this..
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
It's safe to say that bucket of tequila night can NEVER HAPPEN AGAIN.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
WHY IS FOOD SO DELICIOUS
BECAUSE SCIENCE
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
Someone's shaving their pubes at work every Monday and it's starting to piss me off
I mean come on
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Right when he asked me if I was on birth control my dad walked in. This is my fate.
Then while I was crying on his shoulder, he got a boner. Soo. I kinda just hopped on.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
Randomize
