turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
Shawn wouldn't stop singing about his cock on the ride home that night it freaked my girlfriend out how consistent he was
My very favorite thing in the whole world is when guys try to booty call her as I'm fucking her. Sucks to suck.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
And I woke up by myself with peanut butter.. Cool
how am i in montreal? thats like a 3 hour train ride. i remember nothing.
I lost my virginity to Adventure Time. DO YOU NOT UNDERSTAND THE SIGNIFICANCE?!
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