i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.
you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
Randomize
