just found out my sister was breast fed and i was not...pretty upset about that.
I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.
Two drag queens are fighting over me. And yet the night is still getting weirder
words I never want to hear dad say again: "Trevor you sexy man you"
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
Dignity. Ruined. Must. Smoke. Weed.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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