He had personality for days, but cock for only minutes
He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
Nick just found a baggie of 3 year old shrooms in his desk drawer and downed it all with cheap white wine. I am not on vomit duty tonight.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Randomize
