Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
I wish I could just hang out in ERs.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
But the Super Mario beer pong table is more than appropriate.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
Randomize
