whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
I'd give anything to be driving a pirate ship wearing nothing but a coconut bra and a grass skirt eating a pizza and watching dolphins jump in the waves. Dreams ya gotta have dreams
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
Randomize
