OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
I don't remember because I was drunk out of my mind, but I have it on good authority that weed cinnamon buns at 3 in the morning with chocolate milk are better than sex.
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Is it a problem if I'm trying to condition Goodbye Horses to trigger an erection?
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
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