Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
She just got back from rehab. You dont celebrate that with margaritas.
just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
We just for robbed for the second time. I believe the only thing I have left to my name is my $75 dildo
Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Did we pole dance in front of my boss last night or was it just me?
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
Throwing up in a storm drain... Not my finest moment.
But my shoes looked boss
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