you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My drug dealer just asked me to go see Les Mis on Christmas. Should I be worried this is some type of musical set-up?
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
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