I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
My saliva right now is around 7.6% alcohol/volume.
There just aren't enough words in the English language to convey my deep and abiding love of your cock. So I am beefing up on my Portuguese.
My wife ladies and gentlemen! Love ya babe.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
Randomize
