I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back
Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.
What?
Just dont open the beer drawer.
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Seriously. We gorilla glued our hands together. Eating pizza last night was impossible.
We fed him just...so many bright colored crayons when he was blacked out. I hope he looks at his shits because this could be all for nothing
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Do you think I could get someone from tinder to drive me to the airport?
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
THERE IS A VERY SMALL CHILD YELLING OUTSIDE OF MY DOOR. THE NEXT TIME YOU TELL ME YOUR TOO BIG FOR A CONDOM I'M GOING TO PUNCH YOU IN THE DICK.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
short story short, i just screamed anal seepage in the middle of a diner.
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