Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Should I have kids to fix a relationship??
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
We did shots with the Tupperware consultant last night. I'd say the night was a success.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
Randomize
