it actually wasnt that awkward...i planned on saying hello and walking away..then she asked if i wanted to go to lunch and i looked at her chest and said absolutely
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
I feel like I knew it was fucked up, but feared that god would take my dick away if I didn't use it last night.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
Welp, I just herniated a vocal cord during sex. How was your night?
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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