he would probably call me "ma'am" when he's inside me. people love saying weird shit inside me.
We were drinking cognac with TAB. I felt like trailer park royalty.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
I was thinking Sara Jessica Parker was hot. That high.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
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