You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
Today's psa: there are certain parts of your body you shouldn't scratch while wearing fake nails.
you just tore your cootch a new one, didn't you?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
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