Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
Yup we found her. The bouncer was carrying her out
Why yes, I DID want cramps for Christmas, how did you know God?
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