I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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